A Balling Ape

Lonely Nights

L.A. — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 05:30:34 +0000

Maybe it’s because of the fact my homies just left, but tonight, at 1:22 AM on a Wednesday night, a nigga just got really lonely. And just that quick, I’m straight. I swear, my emotions swing faster than a bitch lmao.

I want a girl. But I sorta don’t. I want to go back to school. But really I don’t. I need to this, that, and the third. And in the next breath, I can’t be bothered. I love to flirt, but don’t care enough to finish the deal. I promise that I’m going to remain confident. I stalk her on Twitter trying to figure out why she ain’t text me back or @reply me. Technology has helped get me to where I want to go in life, and ultimately it will be the death of me.

I want to love *her*. But I want to love *her* too. *She’s* the perfect girl, but she’s too old. *She’s* badder though. *She’s* bad too, but she’s too far away. Same with *her* too. I’ve been wanting *her* for almost a year, and now she’s single. But do I really want her, or is she just the latest to be at the top of my list? And is that a bad thing that the order flips constantly based on who’s stepping up right now?

I’m too tired right now. And one of these days, I’mma let everyone I want to see this, see it. But not yet. In the meantime, I’ll just write to myself, and let a random passerby catch a glimpse. All I want? All I want is a piece of *your* attention.

Guess who’s back

L.A. — Sat, 05 Jun 2010 03:05:45 +0000

What’s good blog? It’s been a while huh? June 4th, 2010. I’m so blessed, but sometimes I just need to talk to someone. I don’t know what’s good with Tina… I would love to give her a shot but she won’t give me the opportunity. Sounds familiar don’t it? lol. Well over a year since the one time I met Starr, she still stays on my mind, but I don’t know why. I haven’t even heard her voice in months. Every now and then we’ll exchange texts longer than one or two back and forth, but it feels like the relationship is more or less dead. I’m about to hit the movies tomorrow, by myself. I was gonna ask Tina to roll with me but she’s blown me off more than a couple times already and I promised myself that I wasn’t gonna sweat her no more. I told myself I was gonna do me for a while, and be comfortable doing stuff solo dolo. But fact of the matter is, I’ve been doing that for almost a year. And maybe it’s just the sound of it, but wow… a year. I’ve been out on my own for a year. Still don’t have the tight circle of friends, still no girls. I’m my happiest when I travel or when my friends come and visit. When is the circle gonna end? When is this thing gonna finally come around? What can I do, who can I talk to about this so that I don’t feel this way any more?

Lonely Tweet

L.A. — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 03:00:37 +0000

That’s what they call it when you tweet something about how you miss such and such, or how you wish someone was there with you… basically the type of ish you feel when you feel lonely. This is the exact opposite of how I felt last week (MIAMI!! lol) but now I’m there. The ones I said I was gonna let go, c’mon son, you knew I wasn’t about to do that shit… well, kinda sorta. I decided it was better to just leave what I have as it is and keep it moving, since that’s exactly what she is doing, but that is another story for another day. I guess I just need to tell someone that I’m lonely. That I wish she was here with me. That I want to say her name (Starr) and hope she somehow hears me. I’m not really as wrapped up in her as this post might have you believe, but I can’t deny that I feel better when I have a nice long convo with her. I just wish her feelings were reciprocated. I wish any girl would reciprocate the feelings. Seriously. What’s up with the nice guy finishing last. I have the urge to lonely tweet “Good guys finish last” but I’d rather lonely blog and not look like a simp. Except maybe to that one person who visits my blog every two weeks. Sheeeeeit, it might just be checking it before logging in lol.

Gone But Not Forgotten

L.A. — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 07:17:54 +0000

The other thing I was really thinking about tonight, as I was trying to fall asleep; I realize I’m so much like my father. And my father is so much like my grandfather. I’m part of a legacy.

My grandfather passed away a few months back, but I never really grieved his passing. I got sad when I saw all my family and those I love crying, but there is a strange calm about me whenever I think about Grandpa Sy. He was able to see me graduate from Morehouse College last May, and he told me how proud he was of me. He reminded me of the lessons my father had taught me, and helped me feel that much more confident about striking out on my own. I never felt like I regretted anything about our relationship, and perhaps that is why his death was easy for me to handle (and that’s not a shot at anyone… we all handled his passing differently, and the reasons behind that are personal to each individual). That, and the fact that he continues to live through his children and grandchildren.

In an almost cliché way, Grandpa Sy’s death was much like the movie Soul Food, bringing the family that much closer. Although all of our roots tie back to Des Moines, Iowa, most of the Forrester clan has moved away, some of us even halfway around the world. But thanks to social networking sites like Facebook, everyone can (and for the most part does), keep in touch, checking in on each other more than we did before. Even though we can’t all be in the same place, at the very least, we have a better idea of what’s going on in everyone’s lives (baby steps lol).

I feel like I’m starting to ramble (its 2:11 AM) , but I just wanted to give thanks to God for giving me such a wonderful family, and special thanks for giving us Grandpa Sy, someone who has really has had a profound influence in making me the person I am today, both directly and indirectly.

Meant to Walk Alone

L.A. — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 07:01:54 +0000

Idk why I’m even writing this one… I’m not really feeling passionately about this topic. I guess its just me coming into my own and taking a big step today. I don’t think I need to go into details, but at the very least I made the attempt.

This one definitely wasn’t your fault homeboy. She was tossin’ all kinds of mixed signals. She probably doesn’t even know what she’s doing, or what she wants. Just have fun.

Speaking of having fun, what’s this about an internet boo? What’s that about? I mean, I can understand it. Someone to occupy your time while you’re online. A nice pick me up. I get it. I enjoy it too. But I thought we were going to try to meet up at some point? What are your intentions? IDK, but I think its time we “take advantage of that free mobile-to-mobile.”

I never woulda thought…

L.A. — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 05:44:22 +0000

… that you woulda been the one to end up with not one, but two kids before 25. I mean, I know the value of children. I’m not saying kids are bad. Or that you’re bad/wrong for having them. But you have to admit, the timing was horrible. You were so beautiful. So young. You had your whole life ahead of you. I just wonder what would’ve happened if you didn’t have another person to be responsible for.

Anyway, that was just my rant. We haven’t talked in a while, but it’s all love. Hope you’ve been well and may God bless you and your family in the future.

I deserve a great woman

L.A. — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 05:17:20 +0000

Why? Why do I continue to be obsessed with you? What have you done to deserve that spot? This isn’t really a dig at you; its a dig at me. I put you up on that pedestal, and I’m disappointed. I have no idea why I did it. You showed a nigga a little attention and it quickly spun out of control. So as much as I don’t want to, I gotta let the dream go. I gotta let the dream die. I gotta come to grips with the fact that it simply wasn’t meant to be. During Homecoming weekend, I don’t think I could have said this. I was feeling too low about losing the both of y’all. But now that I’m over the fact that Megan will be “just a friend” forever, I think I’m ready to put you there too Starr. I’m using names now because I need to make it real for me. I need to close this chapter and really, really, get on to the next one. This isn’t healthy for me to hold on to someone that obviously doesn’t want to be held on to. As beautiful as you are, and as great as this whole ride started, its over. It sucks, but that’s the reality of the whole thing. I can’t, Can’t, CAN’T buy you a ticket to fly out to Florida to see me… I really wanted to, but you showed me how important I really was to you. I tried… I’m not perfect, I didn’t call you everyday, or text every night, but I tried. You could’ve reached out too if you cared at all. This isn’t to say you’re not a cool friend, cuz that’s not the case. But my girl, you won’t be. And I don’t really have a need for friends outside of Orlando. If you call tomorrow, or text tonight, or apologize, I can’t take that. I shouldn’t. It’s happened too many times and I know that it would be a mistake to do so. I’m reluctant to say all of this because I really don’t want to start over with someone new but that’s only because I’ve yet to meet someone new. Once I get a new one, it’ll be fresh and exciting and really, the newness is the great part about it all. So until I meet her, I’m focusing on me again, and being the best man I can be when she gets here. I deserve a great woman. I deserve a great woman. I deserve a great woman.

As Bad as She Is…

L.A. — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 06:09:17 +0000

…she’s not worth it. She’s still young. She doesn’t know what she wants. She says she cares, she says she’s just really forgetful. But let’s be real, if I meant enough, she’d remember to call, to text, to make an effort. Even just as a friend, she sucks lol. She’s a party girl, I’m far from that lifestyle. She’s loving life, and right now, she has a system in her family to support that life. I can’t change her, and I won’t try. I’m gonna miss her, but I think this thing has run its course. It’s on life support, and really close to dead. So I’m saying my goodbyes now. We’ll still be cool, and she’ll still be bad, but I can’t stress her any more. On to the next one.

This one isn’t even for me…

L.A. — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 05:39:35 +0000

Normally, this is to get out what I’m feeling… usually on a bad day. But a certain someone is having the type of night that would cause me to write, so I’mma write for her. I know you’re heart is hurting right now, and it makes so much sense why you weren’t talking to me like that anymore. I was kinda tight that I wasn’t getting that attention, but at the same time, maybe that means you’re loyal to that one that you’re with, and that should be commended.

I know it sucks right now, but hopefully, you’ll learn, and grown stronger from this. I pray that this doesn’t turn you off from love. I pray that you still keep your heart open, and that you love hard, and that you give the next one, whoever that may be, all that you’ve got. I’ve spent so much time feeling bad about my situation, but even I don’t know what its like to go through what you’re going through… to have someone that you love, that you care so much about, that you trusted, to say they don’t anymore, or turn there back on you. I kind of suspect this isn’t REALLY the end, but I do hope you find happiness… with someone, even if its not me. And that’s real.

Quite Possibly the Worst Weekend Ever…

L.A. — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 03:47:49 +0000

Or at least the worst one in a long time. After trying to court two young ladies (neither of which are in Orlando), I lost both of them. And not for the reason I should have. I mean, if I’m gonna lose two chicks, it should be because they were both in ATL and they found out about each other, or something stupid like that. But no, they just both put me in the friend zone today… one actually came out and said it, and the other (who’s been rocky for a while now anyway), basically isn’t trying hard enough for me to care anymore. So I want to be on some real “fuck it, on to the next one” type shit, and then I wanna be on some real “fuck the world, I’m done trying” shit, and be on some “I’m gonna tell the whole world about these wack chicks” shit, and be on some “man, I ain’t gonna tell anyone about these chicks” type shit… That 7 hour drive gives a man a lot to think about lol.

I was hoping the weekend was going to be so great… but for some reason I doubted it the whole time… maybe I brought this on myself. The thing that blows me the most is HOW it happened. It wasn’t supposed to go down like this. Not at all. FML.