… that you woulda been the one to end up with not one, but two kids before 25. I mean, I know the value of children. I’m not saying kids are bad. Or that you’re bad/wrong for having them. But you have to admit, the timing was horrible. You were so beautiful. So young. You had your whole life ahead of you. I just wonder what would’ve happened if you didn’t have another person to be responsible for.
Anyway, that was just my rant. We haven’t talked in a while, but it’s all love. Hope you’ve been well and may God bless you and your family in the future.
Why? Why do I continue to be obsessed with you? What have you done to deserve that spot? This isn’t really a dig at you; its a dig at me. I put you up on that pedestal, and I’m disappointed. I have no idea why I did it. You showed a nigga a little attention and it quickly spun out of control. So as much as I don’t want to, I gotta let the dream go. I gotta let the dream die. I gotta come to grips with the fact that it simply wasn’t meant to be. During Homecoming weekend, I don’t think I could have said this. I was feeling too low about losing the both of y’all. But now that I’m over the fact that Megan will be “just a friend” forever, I think I’m ready to put you there too Starr. I’m using names now because I need to make it real for me. I need to close this chapter and really, really, get on to the next one. This isn’t healthy for me to hold on to someone that obviously doesn’t want to be held on to. As beautiful as you are, and as great as this whole ride started, its over. It sucks, but that’s the reality of the whole thing. I can’t, Can’t, CAN’T buy you a ticket to fly out to Florida to see me… I really wanted to, but you showed me how important I really was to you. I tried… I’m not perfect, I didn’t call you everyday, or text every night, but I tried. You could’ve reached out too if you cared at all. This isn’t to say you’re not a cool friend, cuz that’s not the case. But my girl, you won’t be. And I don’t really have a need for friends outside of Orlando. If you call tomorrow, or text tonight, or apologize, I can’t take that. I shouldn’t. It’s happened too many times and I know that it would be a mistake to do so. I’m reluctant to say all of this because I really don’t want to start over with someone new but that’s only because I’ve yet to meet someone new. Once I get a new one, it’ll be fresh and exciting and really, the newness is the great part about it all. So until I meet her, I’m focusing on me again, and being the best man I can be when she gets here. I deserve a great woman. I deserve a great woman. I deserve a great woman.
…she’s not worth it. She’s still young. She doesn’t know what she wants. She says she cares, she says she’s just really forgetful. But let’s be real, if I meant enough, she’d remember to call, to text, to make an effort. Even just as a friend, she sucks lol. She’s a party girl, I’m far from that lifestyle. She’s loving life, and right now, she has a system in her family to support that life. I can’t change her, and I won’t try. I’m gonna miss her, but I think this thing has run its course. It’s on life support, and really close to dead. So I’m saying my goodbyes now. We’ll still be cool, and she’ll still be bad, but I can’t stress her any more. On to the next one.
Normally, this is to get out what I’m feeling… usually on a bad day. But a certain someone is having the type of night that would cause me to write, so I’mma write for her. I know you’re heart is hurting right now, and it makes so much sense why you weren’t talking to me like that anymore. I was kinda tight that I wasn’t getting that attention, but at the same time, maybe that means you’re loyal to that one that you’re with, and that should be commended.
I know it sucks right now, but hopefully, you’ll learn, and grown stronger from this. I pray that this doesn’t turn you off from love. I pray that you still keep your heart open, and that you love hard, and that you give the next one, whoever that may be, all that you’ve got. I’ve spent so much time feeling bad about my situation, but even I don’t know what its like to go through what you’re going through… to have someone that you love, that you care so much about, that you trusted, to say they don’t anymore, or turn there back on you. I kind of suspect this isn’t REALLY the end, but I do hope you find happiness… with someone, even if its not me. And that’s real.
Or at least the worst one in a long time. After trying to court two young ladies (neither of which are in Orlando), I lost both of them. And not for the reason I should have. I mean, if I’m gonna lose two chicks, it should be because they were both in ATL and they found out about each other, or something stupid like that. But no, they just both put me in the friend zone today… one actually came out and said it, and the other (who’s been rocky for a while now anyway), basically isn’t trying hard enough for me to care anymore. So I want to be on some real “fuck it, on to the next one” type shit, and then I wanna be on some real “fuck the world, I’m done trying” shit, and be on some “I’m gonna tell the whole world about these wack chicks” shit, and be on some “man, I ain’t gonna tell anyone about these chicks” type shit… That 7 hour drive gives a man a lot to think about lol.
I was hoping the weekend was going to be so great… but for some reason I doubted it the whole time… maybe I brought this on myself. The thing that blows me the most is HOW it happened. It wasn’t supposed to go down like this. Not at all. FML.
I posted that very sentiment on Twitter and one of my Morehouse bros who’s also in a brand new city agreed with me whole-heartedly. I just spent a little time reading through all of my old posts over the last year and I must say… if you didn’t know me, or know that I mostly write on here when I’m stressed, you’d think I was on suicide watch, and that I stay failing lol. Well let me just say, nothing could be further from the truth.
I write in this blog when its too late to hit people up, when I’m bored, can’t sleep, feeling down/anxious/stressed. I like that no one reads this blog, but someone could if they wanted to. I’m telling everyone, but telling no one. I’m making my private thoughts public, while keeping them to myself. It’s very theaputic.
As it stands, I’ve been in Orlando for about 2.5 months. Things are going well at work, things are going well at home, I’m meeting new friends, I’m back in the gym, I took a trip to Vancouver, I’m talking to chicks on the phone on a regular basis, I’m girlfriend-less but having fun. At night I get a little more emo since its quiet and I’m by myself, but strangely, I enjoy the solitude sometimes. I’m an only child and I don’t like to share lol.
Anyways, if anyone every does read this, I’m great. I love my life. I’ve been very blessed to experience what I have in this very momentous 2009 (these are things I want to remember to say on my 22nd birthday lol).
Why must I always give you the benefit of the doubt? Keep going back to you like shit’s all good? Like I don’t know that the music is fading, the band is wrapping it up, the curtain is closing, etc… today was it. Maybe. Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow and give you yet another chance.
But as of right now, I’m done. I’m just like all those other guys you used to talk about. The ones who were overly sensitive. Now I know, they’re just sensitive enough. You break hearts point blank. But how you handle it is ridiculous. Like, this is the most bogus shit that has ever happened to me. This is why niggas dog bitches in the first place. How can you treat a good man like this? I thought we were a rare breed? Don’t take me for granted.
Good girls go bad. Good men… I don’t know what happens to us. But I’m about to find out.
After all that… all the late nights… the pep talks… the convincing you to go back to school… the talks about you coming out here to visit… after all that, this is how you wanna end things? By just totally ignoring me? Acting like I don’t exist? I used to think it was all me. Something I did. But now, I think its you. And you’re bugging. I’m bugging for caring this much but you’re bugging for leaving things in the state they are. It’s been what, 2 weeks? That’s how you tell someone you care about them? Wheredeydothatat?
I feel cold. Like physically cold. In August. In Florida. Yea, you get to me like that. I don’t know why. I’ve written on you more than anyone else I think. I want to let it go but I just can’t… I’m buggin lol, listening to Usher looking through all of your Facebook photos hahahahaha. And that pic is dumb sexy, can’t front. It would be different if you had sent it directly to me… but no, you sent it to the whole freaking internet. And when I tried to text you about it, away from the prying eyes of the interwebs, you don’t respond. Are you done with me? You mad at me? I keep blaming myself like its something I did, and then I’m like “nah, it’s not you, it’s her.” But it is my fault. I picked you. I stuck to you. I hung on to you. I tried to look out for you. I tried to encourage you to be whatever you wanted to be. I tried to say the right things to you. I wanted to be your best friend. I tried to hold this whole thing together long enough for you to come see me and we would be together. Playing house. Showing you how good things COULD be. But now, because of the little things, I’m pissed off at you. I put you on this pedastal, but I should have made you earn it. And now, you’re playing me just like you played the rest of these niggas… I really hope you’re not testing me, because that’s not really necessary… Fuck I’m still cold… how can you do this to me? Now you’re about to get it because you’re just out and out ignoring me… that’s not fair. I didn’t do anything to deserve this.
